I AM THE GREATEST JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #365!

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SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK: Iggy And The Stooges – Ready To Die (Fat Pussum) :: Now listen up and listen good, pilgrim. Just because I’m the #BigFuckingDeal co-authorized biographer of The Stooges doesn’t mean that I’m on their payola payroll by a long shot. Which means, speaking of long shots, that there was nothing better that I’d have liked to have done than to lift my leg on this album and let it blurt ’till it hurt.

But seein’ as how I already left a load leaking down that limpoid new David Bozo disc, maybe it’s just as well that I’m all spunked out because, strangely believe it, this new 40th Anniversary Edition ain’t all that bad even if parts of it do give you a flaccid flashback, just like the album title itself does, in a “Feel Like I’m Fixin’ To Die” way.

F’rinstance:

The striking Jimmy “Dyn-O-Mite” Walker front cover tribute pose that the singer strikes is an unabashed updated take on Todd Rundgren’s advert for his seminal Something/Anything? album. You know, that’d be the one wherein Todd has a big wad of fused TNT in one hand and a lit match in the other while the caption dares the consumer to: GO AHEAD. IGNORE ME.

Then, when the singer pseudo snarls on “Gun” (which ain’t the John Cale ditty): “If I had a fucking gun, I could shoot at everyone” it’s an admirable alternate angle on Bill Wyman’s 1974 neighborhood threat: “I’d like to get me a gun and scare the shit out of everyone.”

Later, when the singer advises during the same song that: “Money is a waste of time, but I made sure I got mine!” is it anywhere nearly as sagacious as when he used to squirt out pearls of jizzdom as: “I’m healthy as a horse, but everything is spinning” or “I am your crazy driver, honey I’m sure to steer you wrong”? Perhaps not, but it sure comes close.

And as any aging porn star will tell you between cunny shots: coming close is better than not coming at all—and there’s more than enough spew stew left in them thar lizardo loins to thoroughly goo you through.

That’s mainly because of the meat packers who provide the purée that propels this pud: namely, Steve Mackay on honky tonk saxophonics; Pedro Watt on basso profoundo; James Williamson on axe-o-rama; and the star of our show, the baddest criminal at large in the power house, the legendary Stooges co-founder, the truly irreplaceable Scott “Rock Action” Asheton, who’s still skillfully slammin’ the skins into submission like there’s no tomorrow.

But there’s always a yesterday, so don’t you worry ’bout a thing if the beginning of “Job” reminds you of the beginning of “Loose” because that ain’t no grand theft audio, that’s nothing less than a heartfelt Jamesonian Institution tip of the skull to all the past blitzkrieg battle campaigns that Stooge Staffel Field Marshal Ron Asheton (ret.) led—and if you don’t believe me that it’s a crêpe-draped tribute of the highest new order, then all you have to do is just listen to how the aching ode “The Departed” ends and see if you don’t end up shedding a tear or two.

However, lest you think that this dust up is little more than a summer rerun, I’m pleased as punch to report that things really heat up during the second half, starting with a title track that breaks new sonic soil with a radically different Stoneswagger that’s never been heard on a Stoogeplatter before.

Then that’s followed up with the pulchritudinous Russ Meyer top heavy tribute “DD’s” which sounds as if it was recorded at Stax—if you catch my upper balcony drift. When the singer ain’t too proud to beg that: “I’m on my knees for those double Ds” he’s giving the Flat Chest Society a much-needed antidote to Rod Stewart’s intolerant anti-implant anthem “Silicone Grown.”

Look, I could continue waxing euphonic about how fantoonie this sonic sizzler is, but your time would be far better spent spinning it instead—if only so you can hear the singer rhyme “friendship” with “death trip” on the final track.

And they call Dylan a poet.

Be seeing you!

RIDE ’EM JEFFREY MORGAN’S MEDIA BLACKOUT #364!

3,400+ TWITTER FOLLOWERS CAN’T BE WRONG: https://twitter.com/CREEM

Justin Bieber – “I’m A Belieber” b/w “Daydream Belieber” (Colgems) :: Worst Monkees cover ever. Points deducted for having the bad taste to sing the A Side in pidgin German: “She’s a Belieber, I couldn’t liebe her if I tried.”

Lou Reed – Transformers: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (RCA) :: Sell out.

Living Color – “Cult Of Personality” (Live At Wrestlemania XXIX) :: Not bad for a bunch of old guys, which reminds me:

Rolling Stones – 50 And Counting Tour (1962-2013) :: “The Rolling Stones lasting twenty, thirty years—what a stupid idea that would be.” – Lester Bangs, CREEM, December 1973

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK – SIDE NOW: Hot As Sun – Night Time Sound Desire (Last Gang) :: Any band that names itself after the title of a mythical late ’60s Beatles album that was never released automatically gets bonus points in my little black book for arcane chutzpah, but then they have the additional know it all smarts to back up that brilliant brain burstola by waxing a record that defines how charming and endearing electropop music can be these days.

Because, if anything, this one sounds like Julee Cruise fronting Portishead as lushly produced with minimality by David Lynch and Angelo Badalamenti, only a whole heckuva lot more upbeat. And what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know.

SIZZLING PLATTER OF THE WEEK – SIDE THEN: Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops & Chet Atkins – The Pop Goes Country (Real Gone Music) :: This unlikely but nevertheless practically perfect in every way pairing of old bully Fiedler and young studsy Atkins first came out in 1966 and it’s just as pleasant a slice of sonic seasoning today as you’re likely to hear. Some snooty snobs will call this an unworthy waste of Atkins’ talent, but these are the same hypocrites who ecstatically extol Charlie Christian for playing with Benny Goodman back in the ’30s so you just pay them no mind, y’hear?

Me, I was brought up listening to Mitch Miller’s sing-along sides so you can trust me when I tell you that this record, which features selections by Bob Wills and Hank Williams and Atkins himself, is nothing to be embarrassed by—especially since it’s a titanic twofer paired with another classic Fielder Pops romp, namely 1968’s The Pop Goes West which contains, amongst others, Cole Porter’s “Don’t Fence Me In” and the future retro classic “Bonanza” theme by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans.

Be seeing you!